Chicago
Five Six Seven Eight
FADE IN TO REVEAL a bedroom in a basement apartment somewhere, with a single figure wearing a flannel shirt and blue jeans, with horrible green Nike sneakers he should have thrown away a long time ago. OUR HERO sits at a shabby desk, typing away at a computer. We see only one word on the screen; “Chicago”. Nothing else. OUR HERO writes some words, then deletes them, then starts over again, over and over.
OUR HERO (typing):
This is stupid. (pause) No, I can’t say that. (pause) That’s just stupid. (pause) If I could just, you know, figure out how to get it started. That’s what you need, is a good opening act. Something to get the reader involved. Hmmmm….
CUT TO a low-down Memphis blues bar. We see some of the elements from the earlier apartment; the desk and the computer. But everything else has changed. There’s a small audience, drinking whiskey and smoking cigars. OUR HERO is sitting on a barstool on the stage, with a microphone. There’s a black curtain behind him that needs some dry-cleaning. OUR HERO has a guitar; he’s accompanied by some MUSICIANS just off the stage. The MUSICIANS begin playing a blues riff. OUR HERO starts singing.
OUR HERO:
Oh, Lord, my soul is heavy
Oh, you know I’m feelin’ down
Oh, Lord, my soul is troubled
You know I’m feelin’ like a clown
Oh, Lord, those bad ol’ movies
They keep a comin’ to my town
Oh, Lord, you know I love them movies
And you know I can’t complain
Oh, Lord, you know I love them movies
They sure beat standin’ in the rain
But there’s oh, so many movies
They’re gonna drive this boy insane
I love goin’ to the movies
Oh, Lord, you know I do
I love goin’ to the movies
With popcorn and Sno-Caps too
But I don’t love comin’ home, Lord
And writing up a mean ol’ long review
I love writin’ ’bout them movies
But it just ain’t any fun
Because ol’ Richard Gere keeps acting
And he won’t stop ’till he’s done
Maybe I’ll write myself into these blues
The way ol’ Charlie Kaufman done
Oh, brother, what would you do
If you were standin’ in my shoes
Watchin’ these bad movies
And then singin’ the bad news
Oh, man, you know I got ‘em
These mean ol’ movie reviewer blues
The audience quietly applauds. OUR HERO looks up from his guitar and sees a thin, white hand caressing his shoulder. It’s RENEE ZELLWEGER, who has appeared as though from out of nowhere. She is wearing this stunning low-cut outfit that shimmers and sparkles and makes her look as though she was made of diamond. Her hair is short and platinum blonde. She sings slowly, in a husky, seductive voice, to the tune of “Lullaby of Broadway”.
ZELLWEGER:
Come on along and write about
This movie named Chicago
Don’t be depressed and so put out
Just write about Chicago
The curtain behind them parts, revealing a glitzy cabaret scene with lots of leggy dancers in skimpy outfits. ZELLWEGER leads an energetic dance number; the tempo of the song quickens.
ZELLWEGER:
This is the flick you gotta see
The movie of Chicago
It’s starring me and Catherine Z!
Come on and see Chicago
Where gorgeous women dance and sing
The better to entice you
And then they’ll take a knife and zing!
They’ll cut you up and slice you
Then it’s “Good night, Roxie”
“Good night, let’s call it a day”
“Good night, Velma”
“Good night, the hangman’s on his way!
So this is what this movie’s about
This movie called Chicago
We’re in jail and we’ve got to get out
So we can dance in Chicago
Richard Gere will save my neck
The best lawyer in Chicago
If I can write a five-grand check
Nothing rhymes with Chicago
So come on, baby
Write now, let’s get underway
Come on, baby,
Write now, we haven’t got all day!
Come on along and don’t be blue
Come on and plug Chicago
It’s got all this and Lucy Liu
Just write about Chicago!
This is the flick you gotta see
The movie of Chicago
It’s starring me and Catherine Z!
Come on and see Chicago
The curtain closes again, leaving OUR HERO and ZELLWEGER alone on the stage. OUR HERO stares, enraptured. But he finally comes to his senses.
OUR HERO:
But it’s a musical.
ZELLWEGER:
Uh-huh.
OUR HERO:
I don’t really like musicals.
EVERYONE stares at OUR HERO in disbelief and shock. The curtain parts again, revealing CATHERINE ZETA-JONES in a sexy leather outfit.
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES:
You don’t like musicals, do you? Well, watch this, big boy.
ZETA-JONES starts a very provocative dance number, reminiscient of Paula Abdul before she lost her talent and had to start judging reality shows for Fox.
ZETA-JONES:
Straight up, now tell me, are you really gonna say you hate the musical
Uh, uh uh
Without judging what you see
Straight up, now tell me, are you really going to say it’s not a spectacle
Uh, uh uh
Without taking a look at me!
The movie musical has been down before
Hollywood went and threw it out the door
Made it a part of cinema history
But it went and came back again, you’ll see
We’re not here to just remake Can-Can
Or make you listen to Streisand
We’re here to recreate glamour on stage
And show off all the skin from gorgeous babes
Straight up, now tell me, are you really gonna say you hate the musical
No, no no
Because it’s back now, with lots of glitz
Straight up, now tell me, are you really going to say it’s not just wonderful
No, no no
Hey, come and watch me do the splits!
ZETA-JONES does the splits.
Moulin Rouge was such a giant hit
The studios all want a piece of it
But the musical format’s kind of mossy
So they went and dug up old Bob Fosse
Don’t worry ’bout the plot, just hear the beat
The hot costumes and the dancing feet
Concentrate upon the movie’s style
An experience that’s so worthwhile
Straight up, now tell me, tell me
La, la la la la. Yeah!
The curtain closes, ZELLWEGER and ZETA-JONES vanish behind it, disappearing like a fantasy. OUR HERO is left alone, in his apartment. He realizes that the extravagant musical scenes had just been a fantasy, dreamed up from his collective unconsciousness. He realizes that just as the characters in Chicago use the musical numbers to escape from the harsh fantasy of their worlds, so too do audiences use musicals to escape from their worlds, and maybe he shouldn’t judge the musical so harshly. And since musicals can be a lot of fun, maybe he should write a review that’s kind of fun, too.
Or maybe not.
OUR HERO begins writing again, and talking to himself.
OUR HERO (voiceover):
Chicago has three strikes against it. It is a musical. It has Richard Gere in it. Richard Gere sings and dances in the musical. But the “one-two-three-strikes you’re out” of the plot don’t add up compared to the five-six-seven-eight of its snappy dance numbers. Chicago begins…
FADE OUT.